fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
