im drinking this country out of the recession.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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