I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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