He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
