took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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