burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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