Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
