It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
