1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
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