end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
