Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
