is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
