You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
