I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
