Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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