i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
