I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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