vagina is talking i cant
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
