It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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