I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
