I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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