You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
