I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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