I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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