I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
