theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
