Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
