He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
