I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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