I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize