Your face is a jimmy john
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
