his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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