At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
