I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize