I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
When did angry sex become our thing?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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