3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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