I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
