You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I got inside last night via doggy door
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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