well I can't set my house on fire every night
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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