So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
