rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
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i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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