im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
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I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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