I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
