So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
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Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
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On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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