im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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