if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
