I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
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