Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
