I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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