were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
