I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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