you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
