i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
