I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
