She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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