my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
