my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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